The good, the bad, the ugly

Good: Had lunch with NSLW in Del Ray. Cute little neighborhood not yet taken over by the strip malls and chain restaurants that pervade the DC Metro area (see also “U Street” and “Columbia Pike”). Am doing very well on the practice essays (as soon as I realized that my Achilles heel was some insidious topic called “Community Property” that was killing my answers on Wills and Family Law. Only nine states in the US have this, and it kind of sucks and is a good reason never to get married in said states). Also, E brought me flowers and has made dinner for me the past few nights. Right now, I feel lucky and loved and more affectionate towards him. What the hell is wrong with me?

Bad: Got a call today from the attorney doing my C&F investigation for Third State (you know, the one who by sitting on my information caused me to miss the deadline to get sworn in, which has subsequently prevented me from waiving into DC, thus not allowing me to make as much money as I need?) He was giving me a “heads-up” that the Committee called him for more information, indicating that they were on the fence about admitting me. Are you serious? This is a nightmare. And probably an even stronger indication that I need to get the heck out of Dodge City.

Ugly: An ex (previously known here as “EE”) that I dumped right before SZ and I occasionally talk over IM. I haven’t been on IM too often in the past few months because I was working and studying. I did, however, have an hour long phone conversation with him ten days ago (after one of those nightmare 14-hour document review days) wherein he talked my ear off about his new job, new house, and series of girls he was dating. I thought I was being a good friend, but apparently he didn’t agree. I got an email from him yesterday accusing me of being selfish, self-involved, and not providing him the support he needs right now, and telling me he was “taking a break” from our friendship. Um, ok. I generally feel guilty and sad when people write me off (it doesn’t happen too often, and I have an overdeveloped guilt complex, thank you Catholic church!) but in this case I’m merely relieved. He’s the one who made that comment a month ago about how I wouldn’t be in the trouble I am now if I had just done better in law school. Um, yeah. Thanks and goodbye.

Studying, studying

Yeah, so the blog will be empty, more or less, till the end of next week.  I’m forcing myself to get through subjects, one at a time, painfully.  I hit the subjects I’d never studied before (that weren’t on First or Third state - Second state has ceased to exist for me, and besides wasn’t anything beyond MBE subjects).  I am now beginning the one subject that wasn’t on Third state but that I’ve seen before for First State (Wills), and will attempt to refresh myself later this week on the subjects I should already know pretty well and where just need to learn Home State distinctions (Family Law, UCC, and Business Associations).

I recognize none of this means anything to most of you, though.  I cannot tell you how much I’m looking forward to getting to Home State on Saturday and relaxing in a hotel room for three days before the exam with only the barest of looking over my notes for the exam going on.  I am looking forward to getting away from E for a little bit - he was clingy again last night which I completely understand but which really needs to stop.  No, I do not feel like having sex.  Really, really.  No, it’s not going to relax me.  I’m seriously considering moving into my friend’s new (unfurnished) house - she won’t be home till August 3rd from Turkey.  But it’ll probably be even more of a rejection for him.  I’ve tried to talk to him about it - he just doesn’t get it.

Spoke to SZ briefly this morning about a case thing; he wanted to know if I had any questions about the bar and I unloaded on him about the stress.  He talked me off the ledge and emphasized that 85% of attorneys licensed in other jurisdictions pass this exam, and that I’ve already passed two, and that even if I don’t pass, I’ll still be a lawyer.  Good points.  It helps to talk to people who have been there.  And those who have seen me do this twice already, to boot.

Annoying

Apparently I am annoyed when I have to spend more than a few hours with E at a time. This is probably largely a consequence of just feeling in-general-annoyed-by-everything that always happens when I study for the bar, but the man has the most irritating expressions. He says “stinky” and “tummy” and he already has this slightly high-pitched voice so it makes him sound like he’s either talking to a child or IS a child. Who *does* that? Who uses those words as an adult? And, for the love of all that is holy, WHY?

Argh. That is all.

Edit: I am not expressing this to him.  It just seems that when he’s around, he wants to cuddle, or hold my hand, or something, and while that is very nice, it’s also super distracting from the studying thing.  I will have to make it up to him tonight for thinking bad thoughts about him now.

On feeling loved

So….Tame (an ex-boyfriend in the Army) and Momo (my best friend and frequent commenter) are madly in love with each other. This is great for them - they really are so perfect for each other - and great for me because I get to see two important and special people in my life happy, and happy together, and I don’t have to lose either of them (this is particularly true in the case of Tame, who probably would have slipped away when he met someone else who was not my best friend when she might have gotten jealous of him spending time with an ex-girlfriend.)

Tame is more into my friend than he ever was into me. He is more crazy about my friend than I have ever seen him about anyone - this is a man who routinely used to respond to my questions about his love life with, “I wouldn’t say I have a girlfriend, but I know someone who’d be pretty upset to hear me say that.” Now he gushes, chatters, and goes on and on about all the things he loves about her. So what’s the difference?

I don’t have an answer to this. I could say something about chemistry and connection and being “right” for each other, but if that were true they would have fallen madly in love with each other upon meeting for the first time (over four years ago while he was still dating me). So maybe it’s just a twist of fate, and the luck of timing. I am not convinced that it’s because I am somehow more unworthy of love than Momo is.  I find Sherry’s post (which I linked to earlier this week) so true - you don’t become lovable, you just are lovable.  Just because one (or many) people didn’t love me doesn’t mean I was inherently unworthy of love for all those years.

And I do feel loved now. E is really amazing and awesome, and has made me believe in myself where before I didn’t, even though I am roughly 40 pounds heavier than I want to be, unemployed, functionally homeless, and stressed-out.   I am not “my best person”, as many self-help gurus would insist I become to attract someone who loves me.  And yet I find myself loved, nonetheless.

I’ve had that “being loved feeling” before - it was built up by EE (my ex right after Tame), but destroyed completely by SZ and his narcissistic personality traits that didn’t have any room for anything but himself. E isn’t right for me. I’m becoming more and more convinced of this every day, even though there is nothing specifically wrong with him. I’m treating him well and I appreciate him, but I don’t love him in the same way he loves me. Trying to force that, because I’m so grateful to him for making me feel stronger and better, isn’t fair. So I probably know the answer - just because someone comes along loves you and makes you feel comfortable and “quiets that voice” doesn’t automatically mean that person is the right person. Sometimes (like with Tame), people are right for certain things in your life, but just meant to teach lessons. I’m teaching E things, and he’s teaching me things. We’re good for each other right now, in this moment in time. I think at the end of this we’ll both be better off than we were when we started (Megan’s “Campfire Rule”, i.e. “Leave someone in as good or better shape than when you found them.”) And that’s as much as I’ve ever wanted from a relationship.

Big things

SZ offered me a job.  For real.  We talked it out yesterday, and there is a firm salary/position/office available for “associate”.  My head is still spinning.  It’s a very generous and tempting offer, and comes with some added responsibilities that make it a lot more secure than if it were just me and him (it’ll basically be with two other people, as well - both experienced attorneys in the area).  A lot will hinge on my trip down there for the bar - I need to see how we get along; whether we can work together.  And I need to speak to his step-dad (he’s a big part of this now, and has a lick more common sense than SZ does.)  There are a few important questions that need to be answered. (Yes, one of them is likely, “How stupid could you possibly be?” but I’m ahead of you there, guys.)

Also, E just told me he’s in love with me.  He said he knew I wasn’t ready to say it back, but that he’s afraid of losing me.  I’m just not sure what to say to all that.  Indeed.

Feeling better

I am marginally over my awful self-pity and anger of a few days ago.  Things seem less bleak, but I’m still muddling through.  In the meantime, I am surfing blogs voraciously while doing a short-term temp project this weekend, and came across this new one by two (known) brilliant writers: http://rhubarbpie.typepad.com.  Go read this post, especially - http://rhubarbpie.typepad.com/rhubarb/2008/07/i-confess.html and then the answer to it here: http://rhubarbpie.typepad.com/rhubarb/2008/07/sooner-would-be.html

This idea, of not being worthy of love and devotion, is one that’s been at the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks comparing E to SZ, and the wonderful story of my best friend who struggled so long and suddenly (almost instantly, I swear it) has a magical man* who adores her to a degree I never knew existed within him previously.  I have so much more to write on this, but it will have to come later, after the stress of the bar and work and all that.  Or maybe on a study break next week.

*I know because he’s awesome.  I have personal knowledge.  But he’s the one who taught me that just because a certain man doesn’t want you doesn’t mean that no man will.  And now he found his woman, and she happens to be my best friend, and it blows my mind in its awesomeness.

Trying to wrap my mind around this…

Ok, I sat down on Wednesday and did my bills.  There was a lot of crying involved.  Then the temp agency called and asked if I could come back for one more day on that project, yesterday.  I did and earned another eight hours of pay.  I found out that they kept a dozen people or so from the original review group to do a second review, and the staff attorney told me in passing: “We would have loved to have you do 2nd level review but the agency told us you weren’t barred in DC.”

Oh, man.  I hate Third State even more, now.

I’ll have barely enough to keep me going through the bar.  Barely.  It’s going to be super tight.  I’m not sure what to do, especially as work in August (still without the DC bar) will be just as hard for me to get as it has been for the past three months.  So what do I do?  I need roughly $3000 in August just to stay in my apartment for the month of September ($1200 security deposit to my sublettor, plus rent, plus the last payments of the settlement I’m paying and that Home State bar are following up on for character and fitness purposes).

Should I offer my sublettor another month (September) in exchange for her security deposit?  That would knock out $1200 of that right there.  I don’t want to get another sublettor for another few months, especially if I’ll be able to find work after I waive into DC in early September…argh.  I feel trapped, and scared, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen.

Of course, SZ’s plan is looking a lot more appealing.  He called me yesterday to figure out when I’m coming to Home State for the bar (I’m going a few days early because I had a free plane ticket with certain restrictions, and it’ll give me a chance to relax) and tossed me a consultation for one of his clients who is contemplating filing bankruptcy.  I know it’s crazy, but going there seems so easy, and staying here seems so…hard.  Dunno.

Job is done

Six-to-eight week job turned into about ten days.  Oh well.  At least I have enough for the trip to take the Bar at the end of the month (although not enough for September rent or to replenish my sublettor’s security deposit.)  On one hand, I’m relieved because I now have enough time to study.  On the other hand, i’m stressed that the money situation will get even worse in August.

I guess I’ll worry about that when I get to it.  Back to the drawing board.

See, told you so.

Feeling LESS enthusiastic about E as the day goes on, probably spurred in part by the endearing gossip that two of my best friends seem to like each other.  A lot. :)  When they describe how they feel about each other, I realize I don’t (and haven’t ever) felt that way about E.  Good?  Bad?  Necessary?

I had it with SZ, so unfortunately it seems like that’s going to be the gold-standard from here on out. *sigh*  Lightning can strike twice, right?

Schizophrenic life

I’m feeling more disposed to be affectionate to E, ever since I blew up at him on Saturday and he pulled back a little. He is determined to be the most supportive, most caring, most [fill-in-the-blank] boyfriend ever. And I am strangely happy to have him as that, sometimes. i feel like my feelings for him run hot or cold, but very little in-between. I took yesterday afternoon off from work after calculating that my overtime was putting me way into the category of a 45%+ tax rate for the overtime income (thank you, ridiculous DC state income tax!) and it wasn’t worth it anymore for the energy to sit in front of a computer screen for another three or four hours. Instead, I went to a law library near my friend’s house and made some copies and read over some essay questions and answers, and panicked at how little I actually know right now. If this were a normal bar exam time, I wouldn’t worry about it as I’d hunker down and just put in the time and crank out the work necessary to study for the next three weeks. I figured, as a rough estimate, that I need five hours a day for the next twenty days to pass. I have been working 12 hour days recently, and need the money. It’s a tough spot, but if the job hasn’t finished by mid-week next week, I might just go ahead and leave it, and pray that I find something else in August to cover September’s rent.

So….yeah. Just craziness, and you guys are right that it’s impossible to describe the stress of bar study to someone who’s never been through it. (”It’s one shot to pass a test that costs a lot of money to take - exam fees, hotel room, travel - that you don’t find out whether you passed until five months later….”?) That doesn’t really convey the gravity of it. It’s terrifying (ok, somewhat less terrifying when you’ve been through it a few times and successful, but the terror level definitely increases when you realize you simply do not have the time to do everything necessary to pass.

I’m breathing in, breathing out. Not panicking yet. But it’s reasonably foreseeable.